I Don't Remember

"Madelyn, where did you work?"
"I...I don't remember."
My aunt Madelyn has dementia. She doesn't remember well pretty much anything. During my great aunt's funeral, I got to spend an hour listening to Madelyn talk. She talked in circles and gave me a headache. Nothing made any sense! My mom decided to "question" my aunt to see how much she knew. I'm going to say this now, she has no idea who she is, where she is, and why she is where she is. She's been living in Two Harbors, Minnesota for most of her life with Uncle Bob (her husband and my dad's brother). When she began talking, she claimed she's only been here for three weeks and she complained about how hard it was to decide what to bring. Having no idea what she's talking about made our conversation hard to follow and my response was either laughter or "yes" "ya" "yup" "mhmm". Watching my aunt Janice converse with Madelyn was interesting and difficult. I'm not sure I could keep sane listening to her talk anymore. Then, my dear old uncle Bob decided to walk down the hallway. He was showing my dad and Uncle Paul the pictures and rooms they've seen so many times. Bob has Alzheimer's which is way different then dementia, as I have learned while watching them interact. Bob remembers things from the past, but not things that happened last week or what he said a few seconds ago. While Madelyn, can't remember things that happened 50 years ago or 10 seconds ago.
Uncle Bob is my dad's oldest brother. As I have watched him go downhill into a deeper case of Alzheimer's I have realized that one day, that will be my dad.Grandpa Blaisdell also had this horrible disease, he died due to the fact that he forgot to eat and became very ill. My dad lost Grandpa when he was in his late twenties. Watching my dad get upset when he talks about his dad gives me a glimpse into my future. The oldest any of his brothers have lived up to is 76, and that's only because Bob is most definitely a fighter. My dad is going to be 67 when I graduate. I can already see signs of him starting to fall into the daze of forgetfullness. I always hear him say, "I don't remember if I ate today." This is a very scary thought. I can't even begin to explain how scared I am that my dad may  possibly not get to meet his grandchildren, see me get married or graduate college, and who knows, he may not even be here next year to see me graduate high school. Being the youngest, I've gotten to get very close to my dad. My dad is wrapped around my finger, and this is because I am a daddy's girl. My dad is the most important thing in my life. My dad enjoys making jokes about forgetting my name, forgetting how to play cards (then whooping our butts!) or how he's going to die soon. He knows how upset it makes me, but he's just trying to make me laugh and forget about his age.
Thinking about how short my dad's life may be is difficult. I hate even thinking my parents will die, which is something I need to get over. When my dad loses his memory and possibly forgets my name, I'll just have to roll with whatever he throws at me. I'm never giving up on my dad because he never gives up on me. I've learned to enjoy the time I have with him and it's made him and I so much closer. Our relationship is strong, and I'll always be my daddy's little girl...even if he doesn't remember that.