11 Days to Seniority

I've never thought it was possible to not want to leave Beulah. I've been wishing for this moment forever. However, now that it's just around the corner, I wish I could go back to kindergarten. I'm not ready to be a senior.
My parents and I have a stronger bond than we use to. Now that I've realized my graduation is just a little over a year away, I'm scared. I'm a worry wart, I'm afraid of what being alone in an apartment will bring. I'm not use to being far away from my parents. I'm not sure if I'm ready to buy my own groceries, pay my rent, and wake myself up, yes that's sad. I depend on my mommy and daddy for almost everything. They're my everything and being by myself is a scary thought. I hope I'm soon to figure out how to be on my own without being scared or worried. As of now, I'm still a little kid and I need my mom and dad with me.

I Don't Remember

"Madelyn, where did you work?"
"I...I don't remember."
My aunt Madelyn has dementia. She doesn't remember well pretty much anything. During my great aunt's funeral, I got to spend an hour listening to Madelyn talk. She talked in circles and gave me a headache. Nothing made any sense! My mom decided to "question" my aunt to see how much she knew. I'm going to say this now, she has no idea who she is, where she is, and why she is where she is. She's been living in Two Harbors, Minnesota for most of her life with Uncle Bob (her husband and my dad's brother). When she began talking, she claimed she's only been here for three weeks and she complained about how hard it was to decide what to bring. Having no idea what she's talking about made our conversation hard to follow and my response was either laughter or "yes" "ya" "yup" "mhmm". Watching my aunt Janice converse with Madelyn was interesting and difficult. I'm not sure I could keep sane listening to her talk anymore. Then, my dear old uncle Bob decided to walk down the hallway. He was showing my dad and Uncle Paul the pictures and rooms they've seen so many times. Bob has Alzheimer's which is way different then dementia, as I have learned while watching them interact. Bob remembers things from the past, but not things that happened last week or what he said a few seconds ago. While Madelyn, can't remember things that happened 50 years ago or 10 seconds ago.
Uncle Bob is my dad's oldest brother. As I have watched him go downhill into a deeper case of Alzheimer's I have realized that one day, that will be my dad.Grandpa Blaisdell also had this horrible disease, he died due to the fact that he forgot to eat and became very ill. My dad lost Grandpa when he was in his late twenties. Watching my dad get upset when he talks about his dad gives me a glimpse into my future. The oldest any of his brothers have lived up to is 76, and that's only because Bob is most definitely a fighter. My dad is going to be 67 when I graduate. I can already see signs of him starting to fall into the daze of forgetfullness. I always hear him say, "I don't remember if I ate today." This is a very scary thought. I can't even begin to explain how scared I am that my dad may  possibly not get to meet his grandchildren, see me get married or graduate college, and who knows, he may not even be here next year to see me graduate high school. Being the youngest, I've gotten to get very close to my dad. My dad is wrapped around my finger, and this is because I am a daddy's girl. My dad is the most important thing in my life. My dad enjoys making jokes about forgetting my name, forgetting how to play cards (then whooping our butts!) or how he's going to die soon. He knows how upset it makes me, but he's just trying to make me laugh and forget about his age.
Thinking about how short my dad's life may be is difficult. I hate even thinking my parents will die, which is something I need to get over. When my dad loses his memory and possibly forgets my name, I'll just have to roll with whatever he throws at me. I'm never giving up on my dad because he never gives up on me. I've learned to enjoy the time I have with him and it's made him and I so much closer. Our relationship is strong, and I'll always be my daddy's little girl...even if he doesn't remember that.

Bye-Bye North Dakota

North Dakota, where I grew up and still reside today, is not what I'd like to call an ideal place of living for me. I prefer to be warm enough where I don't have to wear a sweatshirt just to keep a little warm. If North Dakota could stay as wonderful as it is during the summer, I'd be perfectly fine. However, my home is a little bit moody and decides to get cold.
Now, I'm not here to complain about North Dakota and it's weather. Consdering the title, I'm sure anyone could realize that. I'm actually super stoked about going to Texas this summer with my good friend Kylie and my mom. We're going to a LCMS (Lutheran Church-Missouri Synod) Youth Gathering in San Antonio,  Texas. Unfortunately, we're traveling all the way there in a bus not on a plane. We're leaving on a Friday at about FIVE in the morning and not getting there until Saturday. Not too excited about that part. However, my week long vacay in a so much warmer place is exactly what I need. Being the curious person I am, I went searching on Google for the Marriott Rivercenter in San Antonio, which is the hotel we're staying in. I'm pretty sure I died, obviously not literally. The whole architectural aspect of it is ridiculous. It has 38 floors and over 915 rooms, with an outdoor pool to cool you off from the hot summer sun, and not to mention it happens to be connected to a mall.
If I said I know a whole lot about what's going to happen during this trip, I'd be lying. I have no idea what we're doing, what's going to happen, or even if it's going to be an experience I'll enjoy. All I can say is I'm excited to be far away from home. I can say I've gone to the East Coast, but not the South which is another reason I'm excited to go. A goal in my life is to go to every state in the United States, possibly excluding Alaska. Going on this trip will subtract four states from my list including, Nebraska, Oklahoma, Texas, and Kansas. I'm overly ecstatic, and not to mention impatient. Texas, here I come!!!!

Summer Lovin

Ah, summer. My favorite word. Most kids are just so happy to get out of school. I'm not saying I'm not excited about that, because I am! But, the whole, warm weather, being with friends, the lake, and just so many other things, are the reasons why I love summer.
Last summer I visited my grandma in Gackle, and stayed there over the weekend during the Fourth of July. I'm always excited because they have a huge firework display for the whole city. After I then go home and lay down on the street or curb; either one is completely safe due to the empty town. Usually it's warm enough to sit with jeans and a light sweater with an old blanket on the ground. After I was settled in, that's when the fun started. I heard a huge BOOM!!! I look up and the neighbor kid lit a firework. I couldn't help but let some "Ooo"s and "aaah"s. I heard another one. I turned to my left and saw that the young kids from the other side of town were lighting some off! Now, don't get so excited...the town is about 10 blocks long, maybe. My niece, who traveled with me, yawns. I looked at my phone and realized that it was past midnight. It was time for the sleepy old town to head off to bed.
I look forward to seeing her and the town that I actually love. It may be small, with hardly any kids, but it's my summer hideaway. It's a way to get out off my hometown. I enjoy going there to see all the nursing home residents, they all know me well because I tend to go there a lot. Of course, they know me as "Nona's daughter" or "Edris's grandkid". Either way, I enjoy seeing them. Gackle my town, my favorite place to go, my safe place. Sounds odd, but I love it and can't wait to revisit my summer memories.

Too Young

"Mom, my leg hurts again." These are the dreaded words my mom had to hear when I was in sixth grade. My mom didn't think to much of it, but after months of this pain she took me to the doctor. We went to the clinic in Beulah, and the doctor told me I just was out of shape. My mom and I decided to get a second opinion because the pain was way to horrific for it to be my weight. We made in appointment in Bismarck with Dr. Moore. He sent me to physical therapy for a few weeks, but the pain persisted. He ordered a MRI and we made an appointment to see him a few days after the MRI. Well, needless to say, it wasn't my weight. He found a bulged disc in my lower back. My only option was back surgery. He told I was the youngest person he's ever had to do a back surgery on, and the worst back he's ever seen. I got the surgery, which is called a discectomy, and went home the day of. After the medicine wore off, the pain came back with such intensity we had to go back to the Bismarck ER. He did an emergency MRI and saw that the bulge came back out. He went in a few days after and redid the surgery. I stayed in the hospital for those few days, and another night after the surgery. I finally slept with no pain and woke up with no pain. 
Four years later, sophomore year, the pain came back. I dreaded to tell my mom those words once again. We went back to Moore and he sent me to Dr. Johnson for a pain shot, the pain went away finally. Though, one year later, my junior year (this year), I had to once again tell her about my pain. I've been in pain for six months now. Dr. Moore makes his decision on surgery after six months of pain. I got a shot first, which helped for a few days. I got a shot a few weeks after again, which helped for three weeks. Now, it's been six weeks since that second shot and I'm back to where I started. He's told me my choices, surgery with about a foot long incision, or another shot and cross our fingers it works. 
Now, I'm sure everyone is saying take the shot! Well, imagine a bee stinging you 10 times and then multiply that pain by 10. That's about the pain, but the needle is at least 4 inches long, and goes into my back all the way to my spine. If he makes one tiny mistake, I could be paralyzed. So, now imagine my dilemma, not to mention the horrendous feeling I get every time Moore brings up this shot. 
Lastly, the surgery. Well, incisions and scars are SO much better than pain, right? WRONG. Don't forget the possible paralysis from this, too. Not to mention, possible leakage of spinal fluid. Doing another discectomy on me could be very difficult and almost impossible. This could mean a possible fusion of my discs. To further explain a fusion, it's where they take the disc between your vertebrae out and fuse the two vertebrae together making you unable to bend at the site of the fusion. They also sometimes need to add a metal "instrument" to hold the bones together.  I'm only 17 years old, which would mean another fusion at least every 10 years. Now, I have to choose what to do. My choice can affect my entire future. I'm young still and would love to have kids, a good job, and be active with my children. Having a fused back can make this overly difficult. Unfortunately, there's no magic answer...only my difficult choice. 

Bulge

Fusion

S.A.D.D. Isn't Very Sad

S.A.D.D. what do these four little letters have anything to do with me? Well, they stand for Student's Against Destructive Decisions. Ever since I was a freshman, I've been a part of this club. Mr. Wold and I were talking one year and he told me I should go. I went home and talked to my parents about it, and decided I'd go. So, I signed up and found out that I was the only freshman from Beulah going. Life=RUINED! I didn't even know what it was about, and now I would be the only one in my grade going! Oh, how would I ever live? Well, considering I'm still here today to write about this experience, I obviously lived. I may not have had any kids in my grade go, but it was one of the best times I've ever had. I learned about all the destructive decisions there can be. There are some big ones that everyone knows about like drinking, doing drugs,or driving while under the influence. However, there are ones that some people don't even think about like texting while driving, bullying someone, or driving with distractions. The state conference was definitely an eye opener and made me want to go the next year.
My sophomore year, I recruited a few people from my grade and the grade below me. I finally had people that I knew and were friends with going! Now that I had that part accomplished, I'd just have to show them how fun it could be. It was held at the Alerus Center that year, and it was much bigger than when it was at Jamestown. I got to room with people I were friends with and it made the experience even more incredible. People assume that we're goody-goodies and that we don't know how to have fun because we always follow the rules. Well, the only way to get that "boring" sign off of our backs, is to tell people to come to state and see exactly how much fun we can have. We don't just sit around talking about how everything is bad and we should do all that we can to avoid these situations. Instead, we listen to speakers, laugh, have a dance, listen to live music, and learn how to have all of this great fun without being under the influence. People always think that the only way you can have fun is if your drunk or high, well I'm here to say that is not true at all. I can honestly say that the most fun I have all year is at state.
Well, now that I'm a junior I'm getting closer to the end of my Beulah S.A.D.D. life. This year, we got told we can't go. The weather was too bad, and the suburban we were going to take didn't have four-wheel drive. So, naturally my fellow members and I were all crushed. I'm not sure I will ever get over the fact that I didn't get to go. I know I have next year, but I've been looking forward to this since last year's conference. I actually know people from other cities after the few years I've gone. I've been slowly getting out of my shell and meeting new people. So, while I'm sitting here being sad about this all of my S.A.D.D. friends are at state having fun.

Good thing I'm not a senior, because I can't wait for next year!

Anxiety Girl to the Rescue!

Having anxiety is something that most people don't understand. It's something that is hard to deal with especially when you get your first attack at age five. My grandma Blaisdell died and I developed this a month or so after. She was a really big part of my life, being the only parent of my father that I got to meet. She lived in Minnesota so we didn't get to see her as often as I would've liked. I don't remember many things about her, which isn't a very good feeling for me. She was a sweet lady who cared about everyone. Her apartment had a rocking chair and they remind me of her everytime I see one. My grandma was one of my favorite people, and I miss her a lot.

Her death made me develop anxiety, a month after she died I would go into my parent's room and say I had this feeling. I don't remember a lot about this, but now that I've grown up I realized what this feeling was; it was an anxiety attack. The one thing I remember most clearly about this was telling my mom I didn't want to die. I was only five and obviously didn't know a lot about death. I still get attacks now at age 17. I know how to make them receed, but there isn't a cure for it. As much as I wish there was, having social and seperation anxiety has changed me as a person. I have grown much closer to my parents and I haven't been able to make friends as easily as most people have. I have a hard time opening up and talking to people because the thought closes my throat and makes me sick so I have to get myself away from the situation which isn't always possible. My mom has had to also change her ways. She has to be careful what she does, and watch the situations she puts me in. I'm 17 and I still make her come into gas stations and other places with me. My mom has helped me get through this, and she has made this problem much easier to deal with. I'm hoping I can learn better ways to cope, but for now, I'm still stuck with those "feelings."